My Brokenheart

The following has been in my draft box since June. I was pregnant (but hadn't had time to discover it yet) when I wrote this. I have debated for 7 months whether or not to post this as it sat in my draft box. I have wondered and wondered if I could/should "bleed" this much in front of the world. This time marked a pivotal time for me, and now that I am a few steps past this healing, I am ready to post it.


Isaiah 61:1


"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted"





Ok, today we get a little personal; simply because I am so blown away, I just CANNOT keep it to myself. There are areas of grief that I am fiercely private about, but for some reason I feel moved to spill my guts like Duke does a box of cheerios on freshly swept floor. In order to appreciate the healing, I need to take you through the brokeness. Please pardon all the "blood," hear goes my story:





The biggest heart break that I have ever experienced was absolutely, hands down, being separated from and restricted from bonding with my treasured, long awaited, fragile newborn. Immediately following his birth I was not allowed to even attempt to meet his needs; this was unspeakably devastating. It was my "fault" physically that he had to be born prematurally. Hearing my doctor tell me that my body had "become a hostile environment" to my baby brought about unspeakable shame and guilt. Then following the experience, it broke my heart that shockingly, some were somehow capable of not taking the situation seriously, minimizing it, or worse: blowing it off entirely. The feeling of your heart violently being ripped to pieces; crushed; incapacitated; the one dearest to Daniel and I somehow was much better taken care of away from the loving embrace of our arms. For my entire life, and certainly the last several months this moment was the one I had literally lived for. Being with my husband to lavish our brand new infant with love in his first moments of life had been a lifetime passionate longing and dream. (In fact,those of you who have known me most of my life know that I am not exaggerating in any of this, all jokes aside from the high school girl who used to sometimes break into tears at the sight of a baby). When I would imagine his entrance into the world, it would literally take my breath away with joyful anticipation. Instead, my son's first moments of life were some of the most agonizing moments of my entire life because the reality was, the best thing for my son was to be unstimulated, and in a incubator--away from his mother and father. His situation was so serious. Were it not for God's allowance for modern technology, perhaps he would not have lived on his own. When I reflect on those moments, I literally do not know how I survived the physical pain of a heart smashed to bits, except for that God graced me to be able to do so. I would have given anything to "correct" that experience, but I am learning to extract the precious and let the pain be healed by The Healer. Following the experience, I developed loads of anxiety and distrust toward others. I felt alone, broken and like I had failed the two people dearest to me, and the last ones in the world I would ever want to fail: Daniel and Duke. Despite my best efforts; and Lord knows, best intentions, my body failed anyway.





As Duke got older, comments like, "Ok! you are going to have to hand that baby over to me!" sent me into orbit. On the inside I was a complete wreck every single time someone would "lovingly" demand my infant from me. It seemed that overbearing baby snatchers were every where and I hated going places where I knew he would immediately be scooped out of my arms. It's just that I had had nurses actually say things to me like that they "have to take the baby now." The reality of the past spilled into the perception of the present like a tidal wave; and overbearing people became literally my greatest fear. So when women would approach me and assume the right to take my baby, I felt defeated, disrespected, offended and afraid; plus the added baggage of reliving those painful moments in the past. The doctor, nurses and education literature had strongly cautioned about exposure of infants (plus, Duke was a preemie!), over and over again I didn't have the strength to politely set my boundary and over and over again Daniel would drive me home crying about how I had failed...again. I just wanted and needed (I will be the same way the second* go-around, even with, Lord willing, a healthy full term baby) to be the one mothering my baby. When I bring home a puppy everyone can handle it, play with it and run off with it; but not with my baby. I wouldn't let just anyone drive my car, but somehow it is a social expectation that a new baby is public domain. I just was not raised that way, it's not how we view motherhood! I am sincerely sorry if that disappoints anyone. I still get a nervous tick when I see a baby tossed around from one person to the next. I just can't even stand it! (*Clarify that I am not pregnant)





Over the last two and a half years the Lord has been healing me from the inside out. I do mean that quite literally. Many of the health issues that hung on for the first year have greatly alleviated and in addition the Lord has graciously shown me so much of his heart and grown me through this testimony. I have identified my own insecurities, and the false guilt that my physical disposition was my fault. God is so good and is continuing to bless me daily--hourly, with so many riches. I can't even believe I have a wonderful husband, a full time position as Duke's mom and Daniel's wife, a lovely community of believers, and a beautiful home with all of my emotional, spiritual and physical needs met. Are you kidding me? What more do I have to ask for? What in the world, that the God of the universe would desire to give me security in Him, a constant covenant relationship, and salve to bind up my broken heart?





He has enlightened me that the path that Daniel and I walked was not messed up. I wasn't enough of a failure to somehow mess up the sovereignty of God! Hallelujah! We just aren't that good at being bad! Somehow it was exactly as it was always going to be. Had I not suffered, would I truly appreciate being a Duke's mom in the hardest times? Would I know the pleasure of the whole world standing still while I rocked my sleeping baby--had I not known what it was to be unable to?Would I have any idea what it feels like to have unspeakable awe and joy in the miracle of his life, were I not so aware of how fragile his life and well being have been? Would I know what it's like to be so beloved of God, had I not needed his affectionate healing so desperately? God was there for the whole thing. He was the one in control of my body and Duke's and He was beside the three of us the entire time. No pain went unnoticed, every tear was sacred to Him. Oh, Lord! I am blown away by the wonder of Your good heart! I hope I have learned that no matter what circumstance God allows in my life, it is for some glorious purpose. Lord, I just need you to know that You were worth every bit of the pain!

Just today it hit me like a tital wave: God has felt all of these exact feelings only on a much, MUCH grander scale. He experienced horrid, tearing seperation from His precious only Son to a degree that I cannot even bare to imagine. Following his sacrifice, countless disregarded it, minimized it and dismissed it. The whole time God knew that He Himself had "caused" it out of His great love for us. I know I can trust God with my heart, hopes and dreams because from God's very real Godheart He has felt my same emotions (only on a much, MUCH greater scale), and I am convinced He covered me with understanding and mercy during that time. He knows EXACTLY how I feel not just because He is all knowing, but because His heart is real too and now I realize that my biggest heart break was personally understood by my God. I do not want to be misinterpreted, I would NEVER have the audacity to pretend that what I experienced was anywhere near this inconcievable sacrifice--yet I am so blessed by the analogy I have just lived through. Having been through this, I feel SO much more awe and closeness with God the Father. He believed I was worth His heart breaking, my comparitive speck of pain is sacred and safe in His hands. I trust and love Him now more than ever.







Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" bible study has been a wonderful tool where I have learned and grown upon many of these life lessons.
I also love Jeremy Camp's new song Healing Hand of God. Guess he wrote a song just for me and God to enjoy together! :)


Here are the lyrics:


I have seen the many faces of fear and of pain


I have watched the tears fall plenty from heartache and strain


So if life's journey has you weary and afraid


There's rest in the shadow of His wings





I have walked through the valleys, the mountains, and plains


I have held the hand of freedom that washes all my stains


If you feel wieght of many trials and burdens from this world


There's freedom in the shelter of the Lord





And I have seen the healing hand of God


Reaching out and mending broken hearts


Taste and see the fullness of His peace


And hold on to what's being held out


The healing hand of God





And I have toched the scars upon His hands to see if they were real


He has walked the road before me, he knows just how i feel


When you feel that there's not anyone, who understands your pain


just remember all of Jesus's suffering





'Cause I have seen the healing hand of God


Reaching out and mending broken hearts


Tast and see the fullness of His peace


And hold on to what's being held out





Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you


He's near to the broken and confused


Biy His stripes our spirit is renewed


So enter in the joy prepared for you





I have seen the healing hand of God


Reaching out and mending broken hearts


Taste and see the fullness of His peace


and hold on to what's being held out





The healing hand of God


The healing hand of God


The healing hand of God





And hold onto what's being held out





And hold onto what's being held out





The healing hand of God, oh,oh