Our Hope Fulfilled: Adyline Hope Decker 1-31-11

The Decker household is just so proud of our little "Adylinee" (Duke's nickname for her) and so glad that she has finally arrived. She is beautiful. I am so taken with just how precious she is. Daniel and I feel like we won the lottery to have both and son and a daughter! Sweet little Adyline Hope Decker, I can't wait to tell you about her...

Monday, January 31st I went to my weekly sonogram. I was so happy to have just crossed the 37 week mile marker. Sunday I had felt pretty miserable (swelling, headache) and had been "nesting" like crazy. Monday morning started out as a normal day. Got up, ate breakfast with Duke, picked up a little, visited with Daniel and headed to my appointment. I even called my sister, Kayla on the way to sing Happy birthday to her; little did I know, my daughter would have the same Birthday! I went in to Dr. Mayberry's office (our sonographer) and was told my blood pressure was through the roof! He said I had toxemia/preeclampsia AGAIN and he would call my OBGYN while I headed to the hospital. He was reassuring that female lungs develop faster than males and that he thought she'd be tiny, but mature enough to thrive outside the womb. I called Daniel and went straight to the hospital. I requested one of my favorite nurses from Duke's delivery and she was by my side the entire time; I was especially blessed to have her because the hospital did some rearranging to allow her to be my nurse. Dr. Tadvick came over and scheduled the operation for 2 pm. The operation itself was a little rough for me (throwing up, etc); and the pre-op magnesium makes a patient feel like they have the flu. But by 3:00 pm they could have told me they were cutting off my thumbs and it wouldn't have phased me! I had my baby girl and heavy doses of Demerol - I was a happy girl! I could not have even imagined how wonderful a delivery with few complications could be! I had my girl on my chest for the next 4 days straight. I savored every single moment with her. The next 6 days brought a blizzard, which was very inconvenient for Abilene, but so wonderful for me! I had nothing but quiet bonding time. I told Daniel that I felt like I needed to apologize to all of Abilene! I really think God in his kindness was extra sweet to me and provided the privacy that we had been hoping for. It was the sweetest, most sacred time. I will never forget it, each detail was perfect in every way and I felt overwhelmed with the kindness of my Lord. Why is He so sweet to me?

Daniel really wanted to keep Adyline Hope's name a secret until the delivery. Now, being the one that ruins at least one Christmas present every year, I was EXTREMELY nervous I would spill. It was especially difficult to keep it from my mom and sisters (kinda fun to keep it from my Dad and brothers though! If you know them, you understand why!). This being said, I have been dying to explain the significance of Adyline Hope's name for a very long time now.

About three years ago I was in a Beth Moore bible study where I learned about the biblical meaning of the word 'hope.' The brief discussion of the word became life changing to my thought life. We think of it as a positive, go lucky word: I hope mom makes spaghetti, etc. But, I found much greater meaning to the word. My entire life I have wrestled with fear. There have been times in my life that it has crippled me. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I have always found something to be afraid of. Following the trauma of Duke's arrival, I became very fearful about being pregnant again. God began teaching me to reject fear and embrace hope {Why are you downcast O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God for I will ever praise Him my savior and my God. Psalm 43:5} It became so profound in my spiritual walk that year, that when I journalled or prayed over my next pregnancy I referred to the future child as "hope." It was something special between me and the Lord. At this point I didn't intend to use it as a name, and I certainly didn't know the future to know that my next child would be female, however I felt strongly that it was the baby's God given identity even three years ago.

When Daniel and I first discovered we were pregnant, we decided to keep it between the two of us for a while. This was a sweet time, but being so close to my mom and sisters, I found it difficult (surprise surprise) to keep my mouth shut. I also didn't want them to feel as though they had missed out. So I started a journal for them about the special things God was doing for me during this time and began referring to the new life inside of me as "Hope" and "Hopie;" I also explained in this journal the significance of the nickname. There are so many things I could list for you that God did to reiterate the theme of hope to me. Too many to list, the redundancy became almost comical. For instance, the first Sunday we knew we were pregnant, a guest speaker came and preached a sermon on ... hum, what do you think? ... hope. The day we found out she was a girl, the sonogram room had one of those decorative wall words, what do you guess it said? Hope. On and on I could go with examples, except it's 10:30 pm and I am sleep deprived and dying to complete this and get it out on paper... :)

As I have mentioned in earlier posts, I lost my sweet Grandma Sara just weeks after the discovery of my pregnancy. It had been three years since I had seen Grandma Sara and I already missed her, being in her house and in North Carolina was almost heartbreaking for me because of the realization that I would never see her again this side of eternity. Over and over and over again Adyline's life inside of me was a salve to my pain. I felt like the Lord was telling me, "Yes, I have taken someone special; but do not lose hope because I am giving you someone special." Because the timing of their lives were intangled in my heart, I just couldn't help it, but I started imagining the child inside me to be a girl. Perhaps if I had lost my Granddad I would have thought of a boy, but I just wondered (and even hoped) if the Lord was putting another little lady in my life.

During the funeral service I was completely overwhelmed by such a life so well lived. There was nothing I didn't love about her (how many people can you say that about?). I felt very humbled to be referred to as one of her Granddaughters. Because of her legacy there were many, many people to speak about her from different parts and times of her life. I was amazed and almost amused that over and over again each speaker's words had the reoccurring theme of hope. It's like in my grief each speaker was literally using my baby's nickname over and over again, reminding me of the life and making it utterly impossible to escape God's comfort. How great is our God! Big enough to create galaxies, and small enough to orchestrate tiny details to forever engrave a victorious virtue in my heart. At this point, I just started saying to the Lord, "I get it. OK, absolutely, I will not be downcast, I WILL put my hope in YOU!" Despite the fact that the past year has held a lot of heart ache and trials for me and loved ones, I am utterly convinced that this is the season of hope in our lives; because of this experience I have not lost hope in the other circumstances. Following all these experiences, I began saying that God named her Hope. It was just so appropriate in every way to give it to her as a name.

In Adyline's nursery I have a special shadow box of a photo of my Grandma Sara holding me as a baby. It also holds her necklace--a cross pendant given to me by my Granddad. Inside of it is the verse featured below. I love it because my Grandma was a very hopeful person; very innocent and gentle and full of hope. Even though my daughter doesn't have the same name as my Grandma, I ask God to tell her I named my baby in honor of her. It is such a victorious word and I love knowing that it is forevermore stamped to Adyline's forehead so that she will never escape the reality of what her precious life has taught me. If Duke is a dream come true (and I have always said he is), then Adyline, you are my hope fulfilled. I love her forever and ever, my darling, my Adyline, my "hope."

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love.

Psalm 33:18

Adyline Hope Decker

January 31, 2011

5 lbs 8 oz; 18 3/4 inches

To see a picture slide show and beautiful song by Adyline's Poppies, go to:

My Adyline

This has been one of the sweetest days of my life. It was so perfect. I love her more every second. Adyline is doing just fabulous. She weighed 5 lb 8 oz; 18 and 3 quarters long. She is just an angel and looks a lot like her big brother. She has a surprising amount of dark, curly hiar. She is eating well and busy being adored by her parents. I can't stop saying, "I'm so happy!" Even though I know I just said it. This morning I went to see our sonographer and my blood pressure was through the roof. I developed preeclampsia again, but this time I made it to 37 weeks--Thank you Lord! As I type this Adyline is laying on my chest with her head right under my chin. She is SO precious. What a surprise today turned out to be. Adyline and my sister, Kayla share birthdays. I love that! Duke got to hold her today, he has been waiting so long to meet her. I enjoyed watching him hold her and look at her lovingly. I am still on magnesium and a few other things as well, so I feel like I am probably making all kinds of spelling/grammatical errors, also I am typing this on my phone and cannot figure out how to start a new paragragh, but I just had to share how much God has poured out the flood gates of blessing. Today was a piece of heaven and I stand in awe of how very, very good God has been to me. Thank you Jesus for the sweetest treasure of my very blessed family. I could just hug the world. Thank you all for your continued prayers for us.
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

On Nursery and "Baby Hasser"

For as long as Duke has been able to crawl, we have noticed an absolute obsession with cars! But lately he has been, almost equally, obsessed with stuffed animals. He loves them, names them, feeds them, sleeps next to as many as we will allow, and takes them where ever he can. I guess it's this new hobby in his life, or maybe just his vivid imagination, but lately he has introduced us to someone new; now, I have no idea how long this individual has been around, but his name is Baby Hasser. Baby Hasser is an invisible baby calf that fits in Duke's hands. Baby Hasser follows Duke around often (so we hear) and Duke is usually kind enough to pick him up and carry him. I have seen children with imaginary friends before, but Baby Hasser just makes Daniel and me laugh our heads off.

The other day Duke was playing in the back yard and started gagging like he was going to throw up. He was really upset that he had something nasty in his mouth and when I looked in there was nothing there. Immediately I asked the question I have come to so frequently dread to ask, "Duke, what did you swallow?" Don't you know every mother cringes when she has to utter those words together? Ugh. "Grass," he responded. Great. Just great. I have no doubt that Duke and Baby Hasser were out there eating grass together. Luckily, Duke didn't care for the taste at all (he kept gagging even after he drank his water) and I don't suspect he will let Baby Hasser convince him to join for a graze any time soon.

Duke takes excellent care of Baby Hasser though. Recently, Duke and I were driving away from Prime Time and Duke gasped, "Mommy! We forgot Baby Hasser!" I quickly reached into my purse and said, "Here he is, I got him!" Duke looked like the weight of the world was lifted from his shoulders and was so relieved. Baby Hasser lives on...






Speaking of babies and imagining, lately every evening I HAVE to go into our nursery, close my eyes and dream of bringing home our baby girl. This room is just a haven for me. I feel so incredibly blessed to get to bring home another baby Decker. Thank you Jesus!

We closed off this room in our house and behind this curtain is a double door that we have sealed off. Between the door and the curtain is a painting from a friend that is covered in twinkle lights. I don't have a lamp in this room, but in the evening I turn on the twinkle lights and the entire sheer curtain illuminates and it looks like stars. Its so soothing, I love it!

This is above her amoire--technically a TV cabinet that Daniel found on Craig's list! This room doesn't have a closet and Daniel found this beautiful piece for $100. He just installed a pole to hang for his baby's clothes and waaa--laaa: an Armour. I think it is wonderful, and it matches her crib and changing table beautifully. We also replaced the knobs for little pink glass ones. I could not be happier with this piece! Awesome job Daddy!

This is a little shelf Daniel hung for me, but what I want to point out is the picture. I have blogged previously about the loss of my sweet Grandma Sara right about my tenth week of pregnancy. I told Daniel, we may be laughing at me in a few weeks, but I really think I am having a girl. The new life of my baby was such a comfort to me with the sadness of my loss. As I have said several times, these two lives will forever be entangled in my heart. The picture on the shelf is a shadow box of my Grandma Sara holding me as a baby and also if you look closely you'll see a pendant from her necklace. Yes, it's the one from my Granddad that I got for Christmas (see previous blog). I intend to put a verse in it as well, but I will have to explain that later...

This is the bedding my fabulously talented mother made. I had looked all over for a "cottagy" style, soft pink, floral fabric and couldn't find anything I liked. I had literally spent hours looking. She found and suggested this fabric collection and I couldn't love it more! She has been sewing her heart out trying to make my quickly approaching "deadline" (11 days, whoop whoop!)

Here is the inside of the "Amoire." We have been blessed with SO many hand me down clothes from friends and family. Most everything in here has been given to us and we have boxes in the attic for her to grow into. Sheesh, we are SO blessed.

Here is a close up of some of the fabric...





The finishing touch will be the cushions for this rocker. Mom is currently working on them! I'm so excited! I look forward to lots of sweet moments in this rocker!


This shelf is not complete, however I must point out the music box on the left. This was mine when I was a little girl and I have always loved it! It's three angels standing around baby Jesus in the manger. It was in my room and bares the evidence by being cracked in a couple places--but I HAD to include it in her room! Oh! I should also point out that Daniel built and installed this shelf.

Well, there she is! Very likely the next time I blog, will be after our daughter is born! I can't wait to announce and explain the significance of her name! Tune in next time...

Songs of Highest Praise

I feel so rediculously blessed this season of my life.

1. Today we found out that our sweeet friend's, the Lowe's are experiencing the joy of remission after their five year old son's difficult battle with Leukemia. I am so happy! This trial has really reminded me once again of what is truly important in life. Amy is one of my dearest friends and watching her nurture her family during this fight has been very inspiring. I feel very honored to call her my friend and have the privilage of watching her example. Her husband and children adore her (with good reason) and I cannot even imagine her joy tonight over the good news!

2. Daniel and I had a special Christmas this year together as always. He is just so great! I liked watching him pick out exactly the right toy shot gun and the perfect plane and big mac truck for Duke.

He got me something I have been wanting for several years: a new back door! But this one has blinds inside it so I don't ever have to dust it. It's pretty sweet. He also got me a photo book he made online of family pictures over the last year. I think/hope this is becoming a tradition; he has made me a picture book every year for the last 3 years---but don't tell him I said that because he hates to be predictable ;)

3. Daniel and I had so much fun on Christmas with Duke! This was our first year to really experience Santa's role--if you will. Daniel's aunt Becky came over to babysit Duke for us and we enjoyed going out to shop for all his presents. It was so fun! We got him a sit and spin, LOTS of CARS, a tow truck, a mr. potato head, a pair of jeans, his first shot gun, and a book about construction vehicles. We stuffed his stocking with car themed fruit snacks (you know, those "fruit snacks" with zero fruit?), cars stickers, more hotwheels cars and some tiny stuffed animals. He loved it all, and we had SO much fun Christmas morning watching his delight! Isn't being a parent the best?

Having parents is also great at Christmas though...
I have always said my dad is the most generous person I know, so everybody loves being his friend at Christmas. BUT he really surprised me this year with something extra special. I love his voice and his heart and he used them both this year to celebrate our little darling's life. He wrote a song for our baby girl. He intended to keep it a secret until we brought her home; he wanted to sing it when we got home and Daniel had her in his arms. He decided to go ahead and share it and I'm so glad he did! Amongst other reasons, I am a CRYER of a person if you have ever met one. I was pretty much face contorting and snorting through the whole thing, and if I had heard it with the added emotions and hormones of just delivering, no beach towel could have held the flood gates under my eyes. My favorite line is, "she won our hearts before her birth," because it's so true! I'm telling you what people, I am pretty sure when I lay eyes on this baby girl, whatever pieces of my heart I have left are gonna be gone!. I have included the lyrics below and also a link to the video Daniel recorded of it.

A a couple months ago my mom and I were in a specialty store and I went nuts over a pair of extrememly soft, nursing pj's, robe and matching baby pj's (just for the record, my nursing pj's with Duke were from Wal Mart. Daniel, bless his heart, got them for me when he had to scramble to get everything ready for Duke's homecoming. Here is the kicker: the ONLY ones they had were XXXL. Just in case I didn't feel self concious enough with a giant gash in my stomach, swollen face and post pregnancy body, I topped it off with an XXXL nursing gown). Anyway, when I saw this set I flipped! Next I checked the price tag and croaked. Whoa...nevermind; I'll wear my hag in a bag ones for the next three kids before I spend that. No way, too expensive. Well, my mom went back and got them and saved them for me for Christmas. That's right. She assured me they were on sale, but that didn't make me feel any less of a princess when I opened them. I can't believe she got them, they will look beautiful even with spit up down the sholder. Thanks mom!

My Granddad gave me a necklace that belonged to my sweet Grandma Sara. I am particularly excited about this because her death was timed so closely with our discovery of baby girl's sweet life. Forever more, I will have my Grandma's life and my daughter's life intertwined in my heart. How sweet of the Father to give me someone special right before He would take someone special from me. I will save this necklace for our darling and tell her how special she is, and how much her sweet life comforted me during the loss of my Grandma.

We went to Lingleville and celebrated with Daniel's mom and family and also with his Dad. Daniel's mom gave us a double bike trailer to take our little ones with us on our bike rides. I look forwared to lots of family rides! I was so honored that Daniel's dad wanted to get a picture of Duke and I for his office! He took one of the three of us, then told Daniel he wanted one of just me and Duke (said he already has one of Daniel, Emily (sister) and Andy (brother)). He gave us a nice Christmas nest egg too. On the way back to Abilene I told Daniel he got the best qualities of both his parents.

4. I have begun my eighth month of pregnancy and feel very well and healthy. It has been such a relief every time my blood pressure has been taken and read something like 114/76. YES! Thank you Lord!

5. Thank you to all of you who have prayed for and blessed us this year. We have such an awesome support group and have been so blessed by all the love and encouragement that we have recieved from you. We hope that everyone had a meaningful Christmas!



Here are the Lyrics to Baby cake's song and the link:
There's a new little girl in our house
Our family’s dreams have come true.
The wait seemed long, but now we're looking at you

There's a new little girl in our house
We'll keep her safe from all harms
She's already trusting in her Daddy's arms

To Chorus

There's a new little girl in our house
You'll never measure her worth
.She won our hearts...before her birth
There's a new little girl in our house
Her little sounds are like songs
. The sun got brighter when she came along

Chorus

A whole new world it begins today
Now what will it bring
First the dolls
Dressing up in lacy things
Will she love to watch picture shows
Stay awake until dawn
These are the things
Silly they seem (Last time only)
These are the things
I find myself thinking on

Bridge

And when she takes her first step
.And as you gently let go
..Your heart is gonna be reaching
Cause your love...it's just gotta show
You know I'd like to be there
To see her little face all aglow

To chorus

The Decker household is very, VERY excited about the coming of our newest baby. Duke loves planning the things he will do with "sister" when she gets here. He really does seem to comprehend that she is in my tummy for now, but will be out sooner or later. We have 2 baby dolls at our house (a stroller too! How is that for politically correct, eh?). They were mine and I just can't seem to part with them. Anyway, Duke had been playing with his stuffed animals (current favorites: Windsor, Joe and Carrots) and one of the babies. He took his three animals to nap time with him and left the baby out on the floor. So, when I went in to get him up from nap I grabbed baby to toss her back in his toy box. When I opened his door he looked at me in a sleepy, disoriented, stupor. Then, he jumped up with a shocked look on his face and said, "Mommy! Did that baby come out?!" Oh Duke, if only it were that easy on Mommy to have a baby. You would surely have 5 siblings by now! Yes, while you were napping, I delivered our baby, dressed her, maintained my hair, makeup and clothes and walked in to your room to get you after major surgery. Did you have a nice nap? Sweet boy!

Oh, come to think of it, we have 3 dolls at our house. I loved dolls SO much as a child that the day we found out our baby was a "sister" my mom ran over with a "baby's first baby" doll for her new granddaughter. Duke and I started referring to the baby as "sister." Later, that night in the car on the way to church I said again to Duke, (he had already heard me say this 209354592035935 times that day) "Duke! YOU are going to have a SISTER!" He responded with, "I know. I left her at home." Daniel and I laughed our heads off. I told him he better brace himself for a lot more drama than "baby's first baby" brought with her.

I know I am biased, but I just think our baby girl is the most fortunate thing in the world to have him for a big brother. He plans to get her a Hotwheels car and teach her how to play, he wants to push her in the stroller on walks and take her to the park. He even asked me if he can rock her when she gets here. For all his rough and tough, he sure does have a tender heart.

Speaking of his tender heart, lately he has had a weakness for "tiny" things. If he sees a miniature anything he scrunches his face up (like as if it's the most compassionate he has ever felt in his entire life) and says in the slowest, most emotional and passionate voice: "Ooooo------ooohhhh a ti-------ny one!" If he sees a miniature car he just about needs a tranquilizer. He loves cars so much. People comment all the time that they cannot believe how much he loves cars. Most little boys love cars, but Duke would lay his life down to keep his cars lined up in a straight line. When he is riding in the car and sees a wrecked or dented car, it is about all he can take. Flat tires sometimes merit the same reaction. He will choke out, "That. Car. Is. Broken. That makes me sad, Mama." He reminds me of his Daddy, a man's man with a big heart.

My Brokenheart

The following has been in my draft box since June. I was pregnant (but hadn't had time to discover it yet) when I wrote this. I have debated for 7 months whether or not to post this as it sat in my draft box. I have wondered and wondered if I could/should "bleed" this much in front of the world. This time marked a pivotal time for me, and now that I am a few steps past this healing, I am ready to post it.


Isaiah 61:1


"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted"





Ok, today we get a little personal; simply because I am so blown away, I just CANNOT keep it to myself. There are areas of grief that I am fiercely private about, but for some reason I feel moved to spill my guts like Duke does a box of cheerios on freshly swept floor. In order to appreciate the healing, I need to take you through the brokeness. Please pardon all the "blood," hear goes my story:





The biggest heart break that I have ever experienced was absolutely, hands down, being separated from and restricted from bonding with my treasured, long awaited, fragile newborn. Immediately following his birth I was not allowed to even attempt to meet his needs; this was unspeakably devastating. It was my "fault" physically that he had to be born prematurally. Hearing my doctor tell me that my body had "become a hostile environment" to my baby brought about unspeakable shame and guilt. Then following the experience, it broke my heart that shockingly, some were somehow capable of not taking the situation seriously, minimizing it, or worse: blowing it off entirely. The feeling of your heart violently being ripped to pieces; crushed; incapacitated; the one dearest to Daniel and I somehow was much better taken care of away from the loving embrace of our arms. For my entire life, and certainly the last several months this moment was the one I had literally lived for. Being with my husband to lavish our brand new infant with love in his first moments of life had been a lifetime passionate longing and dream. (In fact,those of you who have known me most of my life know that I am not exaggerating in any of this, all jokes aside from the high school girl who used to sometimes break into tears at the sight of a baby). When I would imagine his entrance into the world, it would literally take my breath away with joyful anticipation. Instead, my son's first moments of life were some of the most agonizing moments of my entire life because the reality was, the best thing for my son was to be unstimulated, and in a incubator--away from his mother and father. His situation was so serious. Were it not for God's allowance for modern technology, perhaps he would not have lived on his own. When I reflect on those moments, I literally do not know how I survived the physical pain of a heart smashed to bits, except for that God graced me to be able to do so. I would have given anything to "correct" that experience, but I am learning to extract the precious and let the pain be healed by The Healer. Following the experience, I developed loads of anxiety and distrust toward others. I felt alone, broken and like I had failed the two people dearest to me, and the last ones in the world I would ever want to fail: Daniel and Duke. Despite my best efforts; and Lord knows, best intentions, my body failed anyway.





As Duke got older, comments like, "Ok! you are going to have to hand that baby over to me!" sent me into orbit. On the inside I was a complete wreck every single time someone would "lovingly" demand my infant from me. It seemed that overbearing baby snatchers were every where and I hated going places where I knew he would immediately be scooped out of my arms. It's just that I had had nurses actually say things to me like that they "have to take the baby now." The reality of the past spilled into the perception of the present like a tidal wave; and overbearing people became literally my greatest fear. So when women would approach me and assume the right to take my baby, I felt defeated, disrespected, offended and afraid; plus the added baggage of reliving those painful moments in the past. The doctor, nurses and education literature had strongly cautioned about exposure of infants (plus, Duke was a preemie!), over and over again I didn't have the strength to politely set my boundary and over and over again Daniel would drive me home crying about how I had failed...again. I just wanted and needed (I will be the same way the second* go-around, even with, Lord willing, a healthy full term baby) to be the one mothering my baby. When I bring home a puppy everyone can handle it, play with it and run off with it; but not with my baby. I wouldn't let just anyone drive my car, but somehow it is a social expectation that a new baby is public domain. I just was not raised that way, it's not how we view motherhood! I am sincerely sorry if that disappoints anyone. I still get a nervous tick when I see a baby tossed around from one person to the next. I just can't even stand it! (*Clarify that I am not pregnant)





Over the last two and a half years the Lord has been healing me from the inside out. I do mean that quite literally. Many of the health issues that hung on for the first year have greatly alleviated and in addition the Lord has graciously shown me so much of his heart and grown me through this testimony. I have identified my own insecurities, and the false guilt that my physical disposition was my fault. God is so good and is continuing to bless me daily--hourly, with so many riches. I can't even believe I have a wonderful husband, a full time position as Duke's mom and Daniel's wife, a lovely community of believers, and a beautiful home with all of my emotional, spiritual and physical needs met. Are you kidding me? What more do I have to ask for? What in the world, that the God of the universe would desire to give me security in Him, a constant covenant relationship, and salve to bind up my broken heart?





He has enlightened me that the path that Daniel and I walked was not messed up. I wasn't enough of a failure to somehow mess up the sovereignty of God! Hallelujah! We just aren't that good at being bad! Somehow it was exactly as it was always going to be. Had I not suffered, would I truly appreciate being a Duke's mom in the hardest times? Would I know the pleasure of the whole world standing still while I rocked my sleeping baby--had I not known what it was to be unable to?Would I have any idea what it feels like to have unspeakable awe and joy in the miracle of his life, were I not so aware of how fragile his life and well being have been? Would I know what it's like to be so beloved of God, had I not needed his affectionate healing so desperately? God was there for the whole thing. He was the one in control of my body and Duke's and He was beside the three of us the entire time. No pain went unnoticed, every tear was sacred to Him. Oh, Lord! I am blown away by the wonder of Your good heart! I hope I have learned that no matter what circumstance God allows in my life, it is for some glorious purpose. Lord, I just need you to know that You were worth every bit of the pain!

Just today it hit me like a tital wave: God has felt all of these exact feelings only on a much, MUCH grander scale. He experienced horrid, tearing seperation from His precious only Son to a degree that I cannot even bare to imagine. Following his sacrifice, countless disregarded it, minimized it and dismissed it. The whole time God knew that He Himself had "caused" it out of His great love for us. I know I can trust God with my heart, hopes and dreams because from God's very real Godheart He has felt my same emotions (only on a much, MUCH greater scale), and I am convinced He covered me with understanding and mercy during that time. He knows EXACTLY how I feel not just because He is all knowing, but because His heart is real too and now I realize that my biggest heart break was personally understood by my God. I do not want to be misinterpreted, I would NEVER have the audacity to pretend that what I experienced was anywhere near this inconcievable sacrifice--yet I am so blessed by the analogy I have just lived through. Having been through this, I feel SO much more awe and closeness with God the Father. He believed I was worth His heart breaking, my comparitive speck of pain is sacred and safe in His hands. I trust and love Him now more than ever.







Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" bible study has been a wonderful tool where I have learned and grown upon many of these life lessons.
I also love Jeremy Camp's new song Healing Hand of God. Guess he wrote a song just for me and God to enjoy together! :)


Here are the lyrics:


I have seen the many faces of fear and of pain


I have watched the tears fall plenty from heartache and strain


So if life's journey has you weary and afraid


There's rest in the shadow of His wings





I have walked through the valleys, the mountains, and plains


I have held the hand of freedom that washes all my stains


If you feel wieght of many trials and burdens from this world


There's freedom in the shelter of the Lord





And I have seen the healing hand of God


Reaching out and mending broken hearts


Taste and see the fullness of His peace


And hold on to what's being held out


The healing hand of God





And I have toched the scars upon His hands to see if they were real


He has walked the road before me, he knows just how i feel


When you feel that there's not anyone, who understands your pain


just remember all of Jesus's suffering





'Cause I have seen the healing hand of God


Reaching out and mending broken hearts


Tast and see the fullness of His peace


And hold on to what's being held out





Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you


He's near to the broken and confused


Biy His stripes our spirit is renewed


So enter in the joy prepared for you





I have seen the healing hand of God


Reaching out and mending broken hearts


Taste and see the fullness of His peace


and hold on to what's being held out





The healing hand of God


The healing hand of God


The healing hand of God





And hold onto what's being held out





And hold onto what's being held out





The healing hand of God, oh,oh

Life with George

People tell me I need to blog more. Well, here's the deal: I can only blog when Duke is asleep; I have a relatively decent handle on my house work, meal plans and laundry; have had some time pulling myself together in the WORD; no phone calls to return or other misc. jobs, AND I am not desperately in need of a nap myself...SO basically when the moon and stars line up perfectly and Jupiter is the right shade of purple, I might sit down to blog. Hence, the fact that it has been six months (almost to the day) since my last entry.

So much has happened in the last 6 months. Reffing season has begun and ended, Glory to God on high; I am in a intensive study that I am really enjoying on Philippians; and our baby has turned into Curious George in the flesh. We have also found ourselves very much at home and involved at University Baptist Church here in Abilene. We have made friends with several sweet families at our church home, many of which have children close to Duke's age; this has been such a blessing to us! What a relief it is to know you are normal, right?! Or at least that there is a lovely group of people who are just as insane as us! I cannot even put to words what our new support group of young families has meant to us. Like, when I hear something crash, there is a decent chance that it was another kid; why is that so nice? I don't know, it just is. Or when I bring my kid to life group with Desiten still greased in his hair (despite the 7 times washing it, including a concoction of baking soda and vinegar) I know that he will be a joyful conversation piece (and I did say joyful not judgemental ;) !). Then there was last Sunday when somehow, we only made it to church with one shoe on Duke's feet. We searched everywhere in the car and then I said, "aw, how cares? Let's go into church." Duke loves any chance to play with UBC kids or our other set of friends, which brings me to another blessing in our lives. Duke and I have recently made friends with several mom and tot pairs from our gymnastics class. This has been so wonderful to have! Each of his buddies are so precious and well mannered! Two of the families live in our own neighborhood even! How much greater could it get? I have LOVED getting to know them and their wise mommies! We have also started going to the Library for story time with some of these treasured friends. Duke is greatest attribute is his kindness. He loves to make people feel at home in our house; usually be bringing guests one of his toys after another, until their laps are spilling over with toys. He has a great sense of humor; he enjoys nothing more than making others crack up and having a good laugh himself. He laughs SO hard, using all his strength! His laugh is my most favorite sound in the world; it brightens my day and makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world! How truly blessed we are!



Speaking of Gymnastics, some times I wish we could just move in for the next year at least. Duke and I would fit right in the Family Circus cartoons. In fact, some days I would swear that we don't just fit in, we took up residence and have our name on the mail box and our welcome mat at their front door. Since this summer, I have called poison control 3 times and 9-11 once. That's right, full blown ambulance and fire truck in our front yard. Thank you Duke, my resident savage. I can't even believe that his friends are allowed to come over, much less be baby sat by Miss Katie. I can't even believe I used to do this for a living! There are so many times I would have fired myself at being a nanny, only I can't because I am the MOM! My son goes no where with more than one shoe on his feet and usually no socks. Upon reaching our destination I have to dig through the car to find everything he has thrown from his car seat. He is doing great at potty training, but that is mostly because I let him pee off the back porch which he thinks is just splendid; it's almost as great as convincing me to pull over and let him take a leak in a parking lot, begging the Lord to make me invisible the entire time. Yes, we have been known to do that too. Day before yesterday after his bath he went to the potty and tinkled like a big boy; next he ran to the dirty clothes cabinet, pulled all the laundry out and then pooped looking out the top of the laundry bin the whole time. He immediately moved to the opposite corner and said quietly (as if our bathroom was full of people) "poop." I said, "Oh, you need to sit on the potty?! Great job telling me..." opening the door to find that he was simply notifying me of the past rather than the future. Bummer. Another time, he dumped a bottle of liquid all over the floor (part of his strategy to keep me busy). While I was busy cleaning it up, he hopped up on the couch, took off his diaper and watched himself pee on the couch. He has also been known to attempt to change his own DIRTY diaper. Mommy's little helper.



I got Duke and Daddy foam swords from the dollar store for Christmas; they are great fun for everyone. But Mr. Creative (Duke, not Daniel) uses his swords in his spare time to knock the pictures off the walls. Rascal. But what a delight it is to watch his face as he soaks in something new, or as he concentrates to work a puzzle! He loves, loves, LOVES to read books and I enjoy the chance to actually be still in his presence and especially have him in my lap. He enjoys helping cooking, so long as it is a short cooking project. He would rather run anywhere than think even think of walking. But he is getting refined, because recently he has discovered a love for hot (well, warm) tea sweetened with honey. Well, I am a smart cookie and went out and bought the Decker's a economy family size of sleepy time tea. I am moderately convinced that it works too! I love hot tea myself, and since Daniel is not a "hot tea kinda guy" I am delighted to have tea time with my little boy.



Daniel came home one day to find his wife a psycho-path, so he took Duke to his room to play and gave me 30 minutes in my room, door shut, with Divine Design and some wonderfully hot tea. After my break, Duke was sitting on my lap being so affectionate, cute and sweet. He held my head and looked into my eyes. The thought went sweetly through my head: You precious angel, how could I ever be frustrated or impatient with you? Just then Duke reared his head back and head butted my forehead. Not being mean, mind you, just being a rambuctuous boy. That almost sent me packing back to my room for another 30 min. regroup. Gone are the days where daily goals for Duke were perfect nutrition, adequate sleep and stimulation for his neurological development and as much time as possible holding him and soaking up every possible second of cradling my baby. Suddenly, and surprisingly subtlely, everything turned to suicide watch! Like I said, three calls to poison control and one to 9-11. If some one were to ask why I could spend the entire day working at home and by the end of the day have no clean clothes, no hot meal, and no fixed hair; and a sink full of dishes my answer would be two words: suicide watch. Duke keeps me busy keeping him from destroying something or himself! He lives in a climbing up and jumping off continuing cycle; once one ends, the other begins. He loves life, and he loves being a boy and acting like one. He also loves tasting anything and everything except if it's something on a plate or if it resembles fresh food...never can be too sure about food that landed on a plate recently, you know. Also, you know you are a mother of a toddler when you have a shelf in your house devoted to things (yours and others') that need to be glued back together. Oh, and speaking of shelves, I have a shelf that I have to stretch to reach. It is about six feet off the ground, baby proof enough for ya? You'd think that would be out of Duke's reach. Well, how lucky he is monkey, because he can climb his changing table, stretch his arms and reach that shelf. Yes, that is the one with the Vaseline, desiten, and baby powder. What a fun activity, baby powder yourself and your entire room! Then mark your trail down the hall; and all during "nap time." Wo0-wwho!



Oh, what a rascal! And what a huge amount crazy stories I could tell you! But mostly, over the last six months the Lord has shown me that I just need to have a sense of humor about this stage in my sweetie's life. He is, in the flesh, my answered prayer. No person on the planet has brought me more joy...or insanity than Mr. Duke Decker. Every night when we say our bed time prayers, I ask God to "help Duke obey Mommy and Daddy." But the Lord never, EVER, not once even, let's me leave it at that. He always moves in my heart like crazy until I utter the words, "and help mommy to obey God." How could I have ever imagined all the lessons I would learn through raising a little boy for God's kingdom? Obedience is a tricky thing. I have to remind myself that behavior modification is not and will not be my ultimate goal. I have said this before and I'll say it again, raising him to honor and obey God is my ultimate goal; God help me. Thank you God, for a sweet man to parent my children with and for the unending joy of being some one's mother. I have promised myself, that I will not complain for the inevitable trials that come attached to this honored title of "Mommy." :D Life is a joy. Thank you God for gracing us with Your good gifts. I love you Daniel and Duke, with all my heart.