The following has been in my draft box since June. I was pregnant (but hadn't had time to discover it yet) when I wrote this. I have debated for 7 months whether or not to post this as it sat in my draft box. I have wondered and wondered if I could/should "bleed" this much in front of the world. This time marked a pivotal time for me, and now that I am a few steps past this healing, I am ready to post it.
Isaiah 61:1
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted"
Ok, today we get a little personal; simply because I am so blown away, I just CANNOT keep it to myself. There are areas of grief that I am fiercely private about, but for some reason I feel moved to spill my guts like Duke does a box of cheerios on freshly swept floor. In order to appreciate the healing, I need to take you through the brokeness. Please pardon all the "blood," hear goes my story:
The biggest heart break that I have ever experienced was absolutely, hands down, being separated from and restricted from bonding with my treasured, long awaited, fragile newborn. Immediately following his birth I was not allowed to even attempt to meet his needs; this was unspeakably devastating. It was my "fault" physically that he had to be born prematurally. Hearing my doctor tell me that my body had "become a hostile environment" to my baby brought about unspeakable shame and guilt. Then following the experience, it broke my heart that shockingly, some were somehow capable of not taking the situation seriously, minimizing it, or worse: blowing it off entirely. The feeling of your heart violently being ripped to pieces; crushed; incapacitated; the one dearest to Daniel and I somehow was much better taken care of away from the loving embrace of our arms. For my entire life, and certainly the last several months this moment was the one I had literally lived for. Being with my husband to lavish our brand new infant with love in his first moments of life had been a lifetime passionate longing and dream. (In fact,those of you who have known me most of my life know that I am not exaggerating in any of this, all jokes aside from the high school girl who used to sometimes break into tears at the sight of a baby). When I would imagine his entrance into the world, it would literally take my breath away with joyful anticipation. Instead, my son's first moments of life were some of the most agonizing moments of my entire life because the reality was, the best thing for my son was to be unstimulated, and in a incubator--away from his mother and father. His situation was so serious. Were it not for God's allowance for modern technology, perhaps he would not have lived on his own. When I reflect on those moments, I literally do not know how I survived the physical pain of a heart smashed to bits, except for that God graced me to be able to do so. I would have given anything to "correct" that experience, but I am learning to extract the precious and let the pain be healed by The Healer. Following the experience, I developed loads of anxiety and distrust toward others. I felt alone, broken and like I had failed the two people dearest to me, and the last ones in the world I would ever want to fail: Daniel and Duke. Despite my best efforts; and Lord knows, best intentions, my body failed anyway.
As Duke got older, comments like, "Ok! you are going to have to hand that baby over to me!" sent me into orbit. On the inside I was a complete wreck every single time someone would "lovingly" demand my infant from me. It seemed that overbearing baby snatchers were every where and I hated going places where I knew he would immediately be scooped out of my arms. It's just that I had had nurses actually say things to me like that they "have to take the baby now." The reality of the past spilled into the perception of the present like a tidal wave; and overbearing people became literally my greatest fear. So when women would approach me and assume the right to take my baby, I felt defeated, disrespected, offended and afraid; plus the added baggage of reliving those painful moments in the past. The doctor, nurses and education literature had strongly cautioned about exposure of infants (plus, Duke was a preemie!), over and over again I didn't have the strength to politely set my boundary and over and over again Daniel would drive me home crying about how I had failed...again. I just wanted and needed (I will be the same way the second* go-around, even with, Lord willing, a healthy full term baby) to be the one mothering my baby. When I bring home a puppy everyone can handle it, play with it and run off with it; but not with my baby. I wouldn't let just anyone drive my car, but somehow it is a social expectation that a new baby is public domain. I just was not raised that way, it's not how we view motherhood! I am sincerely sorry if that disappoints anyone. I still get a nervous tick when I see a baby tossed around from one person to the next. I just can't even stand it! (*Clarify that I am not pregnant)
Over the last two and a half years the Lord has been healing me from the inside out. I do mean that quite literally. Many of the health issues that hung on for the first year have greatly alleviated and in addition the Lord has graciously shown me so much of his heart and grown me through this testimony. I have identified my own insecurities, and the false guilt that my physical disposition was my fault. God is so good and is continuing to bless me daily--hourly, with so many riches. I can't even believe I have a wonderful husband, a full time position as Duke's mom and Daniel's wife, a lovely community of believers, and a beautiful home with all of my emotional, spiritual and physical needs met. Are you kidding me? What more do I have to ask for? What in the world, that the God of the universe would desire to give me security in Him, a constant covenant relationship, and salve to bind up my broken heart?
He has enlightened me that the path that Daniel and I walked was not messed up. I wasn't enough of a failure to somehow mess up the sovereignty of God! Hallelujah! We just aren't that good at being bad! Somehow it was exactly as it was always going to be. Had I not suffered, would I truly appreciate being a Duke's mom in the hardest times? Would I know the pleasure of the whole world standing still while I rocked my sleeping baby--had I not known what it was to be unable to?Would I have any idea what it feels like to have unspeakable awe and joy in the miracle of his life, were I not so aware of how fragile his life and well being have been? Would I know what it's like to be so beloved of God, had I not needed his affectionate healing so desperately? God was there for the whole thing. He was the one in control of my body and Duke's and He was beside the three of us the entire time. No pain went unnoticed, every tear was sacred to Him. Oh, Lord! I am blown away by the wonder of Your good heart! I hope I have learned that no matter what circumstance God allows in my life, it is for some glorious purpose. Lord, I just need you to know that You were worth every bit of the pain!
Just today it hit me like a tital wave: God has felt all of these exact feelings only on a much, MUCH grander scale. He experienced horrid, tearing seperation from His precious only Son to a degree that I cannot even bare to imagine. Following his sacrifice, countless disregarded it, minimized it and dismissed it. The whole time God knew that He Himself had "caused" it out of His great love for us. I know I can trust God with my heart, hopes and dreams because from God's very real Godheart He has felt my same emotions (only on a much, MUCH greater scale), and I am convinced He covered me with understanding and mercy during that time. He knows EXACTLY how I feel not just because He is all knowing, but because His heart is real too and now I realize that my biggest heart break was personally understood by my God. I do not want to be misinterpreted, I would NEVER have the audacity to pretend that what I experienced was anywhere near this inconcievable sacrifice--yet I am so blessed by the analogy I have just lived through. Having been through this, I feel SO much more awe and closeness with God the Father. He believed I was worth His heart breaking, my comparitive speck of pain is sacred and safe in His hands. I trust and love Him now more than ever.
Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" bible study has been a wonderful tool where I have learned and grown upon many of these life lessons.
I also love Jeremy Camp's new song Healing Hand of God. Guess he wrote a song just for me and God to enjoy together! :)
Here are the lyrics:
I have seen the many faces of fear and of pain
I have watched the tears fall plenty from heartache and strain
So if life's journey has you weary and afraid
There's rest in the shadow of His wings
I have walked through the valleys, the mountains, and plains
I have held the hand of freedom that washes all my stains
If you feel wieght of many trials and burdens from this world
There's freedom in the shelter of the Lord
And I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out
The healing hand of God
And I have toched the scars upon His hands to see if they were real
He has walked the road before me, he knows just how i feel
When you feel that there's not anyone, who understands your pain
just remember all of Jesus's suffering
'Cause I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Tast and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out
Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you
He's near to the broken and confused
Biy His stripes our spirit is renewed
So enter in the joy prepared for you
I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
and hold on to what's being held out
The healing hand of God
The healing hand of God
The healing hand of God
And hold onto what's being held out
And hold onto what's being held out
The healing hand of God, oh,oh
Friday, June 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Life with George
People tell me I need to blog more. Well, here's the deal: I can only blog when Duke is asleep; I have a relatively decent handle on my house work, meal plans and laundry; have had some time pulling myself together in the WORD; no phone calls to return or other misc. jobs, AND I am not desperately in need of a nap myself...SO basically when the moon and stars line up perfectly and Jupiter is the right shade of purple, I might sit down to blog. Hence, the fact that it has been six months (almost to the day) since my last entry.
So much has happened in the last 6 months. Reffing season has begun and ended, Glory to God on high; I am in a intensive study that I am really enjoying on Philippians; and our baby has turned into Curious George in the flesh. We have also found ourselves very much at home and involved at University Baptist Church here in Abilene. We have made friends with several sweet families at our church home, many of which have children close to Duke's age; this has been such a blessing to us! What a relief it is to know you are normal, right?! Or at least that there is a lovely group of people who are just as insane as us! I cannot even put to words what our new support group of young families has meant to us. Like, when I hear something crash, there is a decent chance that it was another kid; why is that so nice? I don't know, it just is. Or when I bring my kid to life group with Desiten still greased in his hair (despite the 7 times washing it, including a concoction of baking soda and vinegar) I know that he will be a joyful conversation piece (and I did say joyful not judgemental ;) !). Then there was last Sunday when somehow, we only made it to church with one shoe on Duke's feet. We searched everywhere in the car and then I said, "aw, how cares? Let's go into church." Duke loves any chance to play with UBC kids or our other set of friends, which brings me to another blessing in our lives. Duke and I have recently made friends with several mom and tot pairs from our gymnastics class. This has been so wonderful to have! Each of his buddies are so precious and well mannered! Two of the families live in our own neighborhood even! How much greater could it get? I have LOVED getting to know them and their wise mommies! We have also started going to the Library for story time with some of these treasured friends. Duke is greatest attribute is his kindness. He loves to make people feel at home in our house; usually be bringing guests one of his toys after another, until their laps are spilling over with toys. He has a great sense of humor; he enjoys nothing more than making others crack up and having a good laugh himself. He laughs SO hard, using all his strength! His laugh is my most favorite sound in the world; it brightens my day and makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world! How truly blessed we are!
Speaking of Gymnastics, some times I wish we could just move in for the next year at least. Duke and I would fit right in the Family Circus cartoons. In fact, some days I would swear that we don't just fit in, we took up residence and have our name on the mail box and our welcome mat at their front door. Since this summer, I have called poison control 3 times and 9-11 once. That's right, full blown ambulance and fire truck in our front yard. Thank you Duke, my resident savage. I can't even believe that his friends are allowed to come over, much less be baby sat by Miss Katie. I can't even believe I used to do this for a living! There are so many times I would have fired myself at being a nanny, only I can't because I am the MOM! My son goes no where with more than one shoe on his feet and usually no socks. Upon reaching our destination I have to dig through the car to find everything he has thrown from his car seat. He is doing great at potty training, but that is mostly because I let him pee off the back porch which he thinks is just splendid; it's almost as great as convincing me to pull over and let him take a leak in a parking lot, begging the Lord to make me invisible the entire time. Yes, we have been known to do that too. Day before yesterday after his bath he went to the potty and tinkled like a big boy; next he ran to the dirty clothes cabinet, pulled all the laundry out and then pooped looking out the top of the laundry bin the whole time. He immediately moved to the opposite corner and said quietly (as if our bathroom was full of people) "poop." I said, "Oh, you need to sit on the potty?! Great job telling me..." opening the door to find that he was simply notifying me of the past rather than the future. Bummer. Another time, he dumped a bottle of liquid all over the floor (part of his strategy to keep me busy). While I was busy cleaning it up, he hopped up on the couch, took off his diaper and watched himself pee on the couch. He has also been known to attempt to change his own DIRTY diaper. Mommy's little helper.
I got Duke and Daddy foam swords from the dollar store for Christmas; they are great fun for everyone. But Mr. Creative (Duke, not Daniel) uses his swords in his spare time to knock the pictures off the walls. Rascal. But what a delight it is to watch his face as he soaks in something new, or as he concentrates to work a puzzle! He loves, loves, LOVES to read books and I enjoy the chance to actually be still in his presence and especially have him in my lap. He enjoys helping cooking, so long as it is a short cooking project. He would rather run anywhere than think even think of walking. But he is getting refined, because recently he has discovered a love for hot (well, warm) tea sweetened with honey. Well, I am a smart cookie and went out and bought the Decker's a economy family size of sleepy time tea. I am moderately convinced that it works too! I love hot tea myself, and since Daniel is not a "hot tea kinda guy" I am delighted to have tea time with my little boy.
Daniel came home one day to find his wife a psycho-path, so he took Duke to his room to play and gave me 30 minutes in my room, door shut, with Divine Design and some wonderfully hot tea. After my break, Duke was sitting on my lap being so affectionate, cute and sweet. He held my head and looked into my eyes. The thought went sweetly through my head: You precious angel, how could I ever be frustrated or impatient with you? Just then Duke reared his head back and head butted my forehead. Not being mean, mind you, just being a rambuctuous boy. That almost sent me packing back to my room for another 30 min. regroup. Gone are the days where daily goals for Duke were perfect nutrition, adequate sleep and stimulation for his neurological development and as much time as possible holding him and soaking up every possible second of cradling my baby. Suddenly, and surprisingly subtlely, everything turned to suicide watch! Like I said, three calls to poison control and one to 9-11. If some one were to ask why I could spend the entire day working at home and by the end of the day have no clean clothes, no hot meal, and no fixed hair; and a sink full of dishes my answer would be two words: suicide watch. Duke keeps me busy keeping him from destroying something or himself! He lives in a climbing up and jumping off continuing cycle; once one ends, the other begins. He loves life, and he loves being a boy and acting like one. He also loves tasting anything and everything except if it's something on a plate or if it resembles fresh food...never can be too sure about food that landed on a plate recently, you know. Also, you know you are a mother of a toddler when you have a shelf in your house devoted to things (yours and others') that need to be glued back together. Oh, and speaking of shelves, I have a shelf that I have to stretch to reach. It is about six feet off the ground, baby proof enough for ya? You'd think that would be out of Duke's reach. Well, how lucky he is monkey, because he can climb his changing table, stretch his arms and reach that shelf. Yes, that is the one with the Vaseline, desiten, and baby powder. What a fun activity, baby powder yourself and your entire room! Then mark your trail down the hall; and all during "nap time." Wo0-wwho!
Oh, what a rascal! And what a huge amount crazy stories I could tell you! But mostly, over the last six months the Lord has shown me that I just need to have a sense of humor about this stage in my sweetie's life. He is, in the flesh, my answered prayer. No person on the planet has brought me more joy...or insanity than Mr. Duke Decker. Every night when we say our bed time prayers, I ask God to "help Duke obey Mommy and Daddy." But the Lord never, EVER, not once even, let's me leave it at that. He always moves in my heart like crazy until I utter the words, "and help mommy to obey God." How could I have ever imagined all the lessons I would learn through raising a little boy for God's kingdom? Obedience is a tricky thing. I have to remind myself that behavior modification is not and will not be my ultimate goal. I have said this before and I'll say it again, raising him to honor and obey God is my ultimate goal; God help me. Thank you God, for a sweet man to parent my children with and for the unending joy of being some one's mother. I have promised myself, that I will not complain for the inevitable trials that come attached to this honored title of "Mommy." :D Life is a joy. Thank you God for gracing us with Your good gifts. I love you Daniel and Duke, with all my heart.
So much has happened in the last 6 months. Reffing season has begun and ended, Glory to God on high; I am in a intensive study that I am really enjoying on Philippians; and our baby has turned into Curious George in the flesh. We have also found ourselves very much at home and involved at University Baptist Church here in Abilene. We have made friends with several sweet families at our church home, many of which have children close to Duke's age; this has been such a blessing to us! What a relief it is to know you are normal, right?! Or at least that there is a lovely group of people who are just as insane as us! I cannot even put to words what our new support group of young families has meant to us. Like, when I hear something crash, there is a decent chance that it was another kid; why is that so nice? I don't know, it just is. Or when I bring my kid to life group with Desiten still greased in his hair (despite the 7 times washing it, including a concoction of baking soda and vinegar) I know that he will be a joyful conversation piece (and I did say joyful not judgemental ;) !). Then there was last Sunday when somehow, we only made it to church with one shoe on Duke's feet. We searched everywhere in the car and then I said, "aw, how cares? Let's go into church." Duke loves any chance to play with UBC kids or our other set of friends, which brings me to another blessing in our lives. Duke and I have recently made friends with several mom and tot pairs from our gymnastics class. This has been so wonderful to have! Each of his buddies are so precious and well mannered! Two of the families live in our own neighborhood even! How much greater could it get? I have LOVED getting to know them and their wise mommies! We have also started going to the Library for story time with some of these treasured friends. Duke is greatest attribute is his kindness. He loves to make people feel at home in our house; usually be bringing guests one of his toys after another, until their laps are spilling over with toys. He has a great sense of humor; he enjoys nothing more than making others crack up and having a good laugh himself. He laughs SO hard, using all his strength! His laugh is my most favorite sound in the world; it brightens my day and makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world! How truly blessed we are!
Speaking of Gymnastics, some times I wish we could just move in for the next year at least. Duke and I would fit right in the Family Circus cartoons. In fact, some days I would swear that we don't just fit in, we took up residence and have our name on the mail box and our welcome mat at their front door. Since this summer, I have called poison control 3 times and 9-11 once. That's right, full blown ambulance and fire truck in our front yard. Thank you Duke, my resident savage. I can't even believe that his friends are allowed to come over, much less be baby sat by Miss Katie. I can't even believe I used to do this for a living! There are so many times I would have fired myself at being a nanny, only I can't because I am the MOM! My son goes no where with more than one shoe on his feet and usually no socks. Upon reaching our destination I have to dig through the car to find everything he has thrown from his car seat. He is doing great at potty training, but that is mostly because I let him pee off the back porch which he thinks is just splendid; it's almost as great as convincing me to pull over and let him take a leak in a parking lot, begging the Lord to make me invisible the entire time. Yes, we have been known to do that too. Day before yesterday after his bath he went to the potty and tinkled like a big boy; next he ran to the dirty clothes cabinet, pulled all the laundry out and then pooped looking out the top of the laundry bin the whole time. He immediately moved to the opposite corner and said quietly (as if our bathroom was full of people) "poop." I said, "Oh, you need to sit on the potty?! Great job telling me..." opening the door to find that he was simply notifying me of the past rather than the future. Bummer. Another time, he dumped a bottle of liquid all over the floor (part of his strategy to keep me busy). While I was busy cleaning it up, he hopped up on the couch, took off his diaper and watched himself pee on the couch. He has also been known to attempt to change his own DIRTY diaper. Mommy's little helper.
I got Duke and Daddy foam swords from the dollar store for Christmas; they are great fun for everyone. But Mr. Creative (Duke, not Daniel) uses his swords in his spare time to knock the pictures off the walls. Rascal. But what a delight it is to watch his face as he soaks in something new, or as he concentrates to work a puzzle! He loves, loves, LOVES to read books and I enjoy the chance to actually be still in his presence and especially have him in my lap. He enjoys helping cooking, so long as it is a short cooking project. He would rather run anywhere than think even think of walking. But he is getting refined, because recently he has discovered a love for hot (well, warm) tea sweetened with honey. Well, I am a smart cookie and went out and bought the Decker's a economy family size of sleepy time tea. I am moderately convinced that it works too! I love hot tea myself, and since Daniel is not a "hot tea kinda guy" I am delighted to have tea time with my little boy.
Daniel came home one day to find his wife a psycho-path, so he took Duke to his room to play and gave me 30 minutes in my room, door shut, with Divine Design and some wonderfully hot tea. After my break, Duke was sitting on my lap being so affectionate, cute and sweet. He held my head and looked into my eyes. The thought went sweetly through my head: You precious angel, how could I ever be frustrated or impatient with you? Just then Duke reared his head back and head butted my forehead. Not being mean, mind you, just being a rambuctuous boy. That almost sent me packing back to my room for another 30 min. regroup. Gone are the days where daily goals for Duke were perfect nutrition, adequate sleep and stimulation for his neurological development and as much time as possible holding him and soaking up every possible second of cradling my baby. Suddenly, and surprisingly subtlely, everything turned to suicide watch! Like I said, three calls to poison control and one to 9-11. If some one were to ask why I could spend the entire day working at home and by the end of the day have no clean clothes, no hot meal, and no fixed hair; and a sink full of dishes my answer would be two words: suicide watch. Duke keeps me busy keeping him from destroying something or himself! He lives in a climbing up and jumping off continuing cycle; once one ends, the other begins. He loves life, and he loves being a boy and acting like one. He also loves tasting anything and everything except if it's something on a plate or if it resembles fresh food...never can be too sure about food that landed on a plate recently, you know. Also, you know you are a mother of a toddler when you have a shelf in your house devoted to things (yours and others') that need to be glued back together. Oh, and speaking of shelves, I have a shelf that I have to stretch to reach. It is about six feet off the ground, baby proof enough for ya? You'd think that would be out of Duke's reach. Well, how lucky he is monkey, because he can climb his changing table, stretch his arms and reach that shelf. Yes, that is the one with the Vaseline, desiten, and baby powder. What a fun activity, baby powder yourself and your entire room! Then mark your trail down the hall; and all during "nap time." Wo0-wwho!
Oh, what a rascal! And what a huge amount crazy stories I could tell you! But mostly, over the last six months the Lord has shown me that I just need to have a sense of humor about this stage in my sweetie's life. He is, in the flesh, my answered prayer. No person on the planet has brought me more joy...or insanity than Mr. Duke Decker. Every night when we say our bed time prayers, I ask God to "help Duke obey Mommy and Daddy." But the Lord never, EVER, not once even, let's me leave it at that. He always moves in my heart like crazy until I utter the words, "and help mommy to obey God." How could I have ever imagined all the lessons I would learn through raising a little boy for God's kingdom? Obedience is a tricky thing. I have to remind myself that behavior modification is not and will not be my ultimate goal. I have said this before and I'll say it again, raising him to honor and obey God is my ultimate goal; God help me. Thank you God, for a sweet man to parent my children with and for the unending joy of being some one's mother. I have promised myself, that I will not complain for the inevitable trials that come attached to this honored title of "Mommy." :D Life is a joy. Thank you God for gracing us with Your good gifts. I love you Daniel and Duke, with all my heart.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Three Firstborns Under One Roof
Mondays are our cleaning days at the Deckers. Duke was a "big" help this monday. His latest nickname is Rooskers and Raskal, so now that you have the memo, you'll know who I am talking about. Monday mornings get a little wet and wild to say the least. It's always when the junk of the weekend is strung through the house and sunday afternoon laziness has hung over into the next day leaving much disaray and clutter throughout our home. Last weekend, Daniel, our shopping "shark" sold his truck and bought the first piece to his new TV area: an entertainment center. Moving the old TV was a dusty process, so ontop of the weekend "hangover" clutter we had a nice layer of dust. Duke and I started in right after our breakfast. We began with the bathrooms. He got a squirt bottle of water and a small towel and went around making himself useful. He did his best to do just as he saw me do with my more serious squirt bottle and nastier looking rag. After we finished the bathroom, got candy for going "teetee" and put away our rags and bottles, we headed to the bedroom to dust. I love swiffer dusting supplies (clearly I am a stay at home mom, because their new duster extenders were the highlight of my week! I suppose I live a sheltered life, but at least it is a dust free shelter Praise the Lord!) Anyhow, Duke got one swiffer Duster and I got the one with the awesome extender (I was oh so hoping he would not notice how much better my new one was than his handmedown and thankfully he didn't object to the arrangement.) We quickly went to dusting. Raskal dusted, knocked over Daddy's sunflower seeds, had used sunflower seeds dug out of his mouth by mommy, and chased Jax, then sat in time out for picking Jax up by his fur. Then it was time to sweep. He got the broom attachment to my dustpan and went to work imitating my every move. The cutest thing to me though happened by Duke's own initiative and creativity when he saw me vacuuming. He ran to get his push "popper" (you remember them, every generation of kids has had one. This one came from a garage sale for a quarter and Lord only knows how old it is.) Here came Rooskers, running in pushing his popper. I would have thought he had moved on past the cleaning theme and was making his own fun, except for now he was motioning it just as though it were a vacuum cleaner. Couple steps forward, stretch your body and pull that popper back; not to mention in rows just like Mommy. This is what happens when three firstborns live under one roof. Shower time was crazy, yet another shower when I get out with a slippery naked toddler, and only one shaved leg. Each time I promise myself I am not ever going to try to shower us both at the same time. Just be dirty till his nap Katie! I tell myself. But the truth is, nap time is sounding all the more like something I want to participate in more than the shower! Oh gross, and too much information. Sorry!
Tuesday I decided that I was going to focus my morning around him entirely. Afterall, he had earned it by focusing his monday morning on my agenda. So we packed a lunch and headed to the zoo. Just he and I. He had a blast, not real sure about the stress levels of the animals after we left, but Duke took and extra long nap which, I might add, is always the indicator that a good time was had...at least by Duke! Walking by the giraffs I said: "Duke, can you say giraff?" Duke responded: "Ball." Oh well, when in doubt go with what you know, right? I did the same thing when I was in school, if I didn't know the answer I would try to talk about something I was educated on. My logic: hopefully they would conclude if I was so informed to know an oratory on topic B, surelly I had been briefed and was way superior to topic A. Nice, Duke; 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree'.
When I was in the early stages of Duke's pregnancy, I saw a poster about 'Mom and Tot gymnastics.' It was then that I began the arduous process of BEGGING Daniel to fund this wonderful activity. Three weeks ago my dream came true and Duke and I headed off to Mom and Tots at the Gymnastics Sport Center. We love it! It is once a week and about 20 pairs of toddlers and moms. They are adorable! But make no mistake, Duke is by far the cutest. His favorite thing to do is run down the extra long trampoline run and pounce on the mats. It's even better if he almost crashes into three other little toddler boys with the same idea. Heaven forbid he bump into a girl though. They just aren't as tough. At the end of Gymnastics, he and the toddler mob get candy from Tony the bear. I suppose just in case his energy would be run out, they hand each static headed kid a sugar stick to recharge. I just want to know where the espresso line is for the moms. On the drive home Duke downs his sippy cup of water and I down my sportier, more adult looking sippy. And as we walk in the house to see Daddy, who do you think is more tired? That's right, not Duke. Whew! Skip my walk on those days because I know I have definately burned my callories for the rest of the day. When I think of what I had in mind when I saw that poster two and a half years ago, I remember imagining myself (makeup on and hair done of course) gracefully helping my well groomed, well behaved, toddler flip over bars; jumping together on trampolines, etc. Something about jumping over five toddler boys to prevent the tackling of Little toddler Miss Priss, wasn't exactly what I had in mind. In fact, truth be told it's better. This is real life; our house isn't supposed to look like a museum with everything neat as a pin and Duke was never supposed to look like a plastic my little pony for heaven's sake. The fact is I love having a toddler boy. It's crazy and exhasting, but at the end of the day, I've never felt so blessed. Every day I have to love him is a gift, even when the wrapping is a little unorthodox. Lest we grow old and think we've got it all together, God filled the Decker home with the delight of a toddler boy on a mission...Praise His blessed Name and take cover or you might get hit by a sunflower seed filled, static headed, dirty diapered, precious little boy.
Tuesday I decided that I was going to focus my morning around him entirely. Afterall, he had earned it by focusing his monday morning on my agenda. So we packed a lunch and headed to the zoo. Just he and I. He had a blast, not real sure about the stress levels of the animals after we left, but Duke took and extra long nap which, I might add, is always the indicator that a good time was had...at least by Duke! Walking by the giraffs I said: "Duke, can you say giraff?" Duke responded: "Ball." Oh well, when in doubt go with what you know, right? I did the same thing when I was in school, if I didn't know the answer I would try to talk about something I was educated on. My logic: hopefully they would conclude if I was so informed to know an oratory on topic B, surelly I had been briefed and was way superior to topic A. Nice, Duke; 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree'.
When I was in the early stages of Duke's pregnancy, I saw a poster about 'Mom and Tot gymnastics.' It was then that I began the arduous process of BEGGING Daniel to fund this wonderful activity. Three weeks ago my dream came true and Duke and I headed off to Mom and Tots at the Gymnastics Sport Center. We love it! It is once a week and about 20 pairs of toddlers and moms. They are adorable! But make no mistake, Duke is by far the cutest. His favorite thing to do is run down the extra long trampoline run and pounce on the mats. It's even better if he almost crashes into three other little toddler boys with the same idea. Heaven forbid he bump into a girl though. They just aren't as tough. At the end of Gymnastics, he and the toddler mob get candy from Tony the bear. I suppose just in case his energy would be run out, they hand each static headed kid a sugar stick to recharge. I just want to know where the espresso line is for the moms. On the drive home Duke downs his sippy cup of water and I down my sportier, more adult looking sippy. And as we walk in the house to see Daddy, who do you think is more tired? That's right, not Duke. Whew! Skip my walk on those days because I know I have definately burned my callories for the rest of the day. When I think of what I had in mind when I saw that poster two and a half years ago, I remember imagining myself (makeup on and hair done of course) gracefully helping my well groomed, well behaved, toddler flip over bars; jumping together on trampolines, etc. Something about jumping over five toddler boys to prevent the tackling of Little toddler Miss Priss, wasn't exactly what I had in mind. In fact, truth be told it's better. This is real life; our house isn't supposed to look like a museum with everything neat as a pin and Duke was never supposed to look like a plastic my little pony for heaven's sake. The fact is I love having a toddler boy. It's crazy and exhasting, but at the end of the day, I've never felt so blessed. Every day I have to love him is a gift, even when the wrapping is a little unorthodox. Lest we grow old and think we've got it all together, God filled the Decker home with the delight of a toddler boy on a mission...Praise His blessed Name and take cover or you might get hit by a sunflower seed filled, static headed, dirty diapered, precious little boy.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Whole Grain... Goodness!
For months now we have had trouble keeping Duker T. out of the dog food. The other day, what I like to call a stroke of genius hit me about the same time a stroke of hunger hit Duke. He was once again snacking on dog food and making a mess. I looked at the clock and noticed it was about his snack time. Perhaps he is able to pass up the temptation most of the time, but maybe when he gets hungry he just can't pass up the delectable, tempting dog food dish sitting out in the open like an all you can eat buffet. Now, I thought to myself, my son barks like a dog, he scratches on the door when he wants to go out, he chews on dog toys, he crawls in Jax's dog kennel....why in the world would he not exhibit a strong urge to munch on appetizing, Purina One, Chicken and Whole Grain, Healthy Weight Formula, Dog Chow? I couldn't think of a reason either.
We have some bowls for table training that have a suction cups on the bottom of them to prevent both spilling and the ability to hurdle bowls of spaghetti through the kitchen. They are fabulous! Lucky for me, Jax doesn't like Whole Grain Cheerios because I suction cupped a bowl to the tile next to Jax's food and water; then I filled it with Cheerios and said: "Look Duke! This is your dog food!" Much to my amusement, my cutie's sober expression slowly evolved into a look of wild excitement and delight, he dropped from his standing position to his hands and knees to crawl over to his bowl; then full aware of the dog only area, he put his face straight into his bowl of cheerios rather than using his "paws" to assist his eating. Before I had stopped laughing he lifted up his head frustrated that the bowl was too small for his face to fit into. Then, a stroke of genius hit my little puppy wanna'be. He carefully placed about five Cheerios onto the tile and then put his face down to the floor to eat just like a little puppy would.
The next morning upon giving Jax his dog food, I did the same routine. Duke, never to disappoint, did the whole doggy play over again. He has done it several times since then. Now if I could just figure out how to keep him out of Jax's water...
We have some bowls for table training that have a suction cups on the bottom of them to prevent both spilling and the ability to hurdle bowls of spaghetti through the kitchen. They are fabulous! Lucky for me, Jax doesn't like Whole Grain Cheerios because I suction cupped a bowl to the tile next to Jax's food and water; then I filled it with Cheerios and said: "Look Duke! This is your dog food!" Much to my amusement, my cutie's sober expression slowly evolved into a look of wild excitement and delight, he dropped from his standing position to his hands and knees to crawl over to his bowl; then full aware of the dog only area, he put his face straight into his bowl of cheerios rather than using his "paws" to assist his eating. Before I had stopped laughing he lifted up his head frustrated that the bowl was too small for his face to fit into. Then, a stroke of genius hit my little puppy wanna'be. He carefully placed about five Cheerios onto the tile and then put his face down to the floor to eat just like a little puppy would.
The next morning upon giving Jax his dog food, I did the same routine. Duke, never to disappoint, did the whole doggy play over again. He has done it several times since then. Now if I could just figure out how to keep him out of Jax's water...
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Just another ordinary, extrordinary day..
I will never stop being thankful for the gift of a stay at home baby. :D I absolutely love being here, pouring my best into my husband, son and home.. and jax too even though he smells really bad at the moment. Of course, if I was truly pouring my best into him specifically, I'd probably be bathing him instead of blogging. Let me start over again. I love pouring my best into my husband, son and home. Jax gets the leftovers ha! Ok, blah, blah. You probably tuned in to get an update on your ____ (fill in the blank here whatever Duke is to you, Grandson, nephew, etc.) not ramblings about a smelly dog. ANYWAY...
This morning when my stay-at-home baby woke up and started asking for me, I got him up and laid him down to change his diaper. He immediately pulled his monkey blanket (his security/cuddle item) over his face; thus starting his flirtatious game of peek-a-boo. I brought him in bed with me for about fifteen minutes to doze and cuddle. He was excited to see that Daddy was awake and kept pointing at him and smiling. Daniel headed off to work and we had breakfast, colored a picture, read books, crashed our toy cars into each other, played peek-a-boo, cleaned up 2 explosion diapers (each alternating with a head to toe bath), and had what we usually have for lunch: yesterday's dinner. After all of this, Duke started getting sleepy. Ready to get rocked in the mommy chair with monkey blanket and then off to nappers. I just love getting to spend the day together. We are so blessed, I don't have to miss out on these special things with him. I absolutely am convinced that this is 'as good as it gets.'
The other evening at the park a woman asked me: "So where do you work?" When i told her I am a stay at home mom she responded: "Oh. Do you have a degree or anything?" She didn't have a rude tone, I think she was merely curious. But still it made me curious if she thought I was missing out on something. Did she think I was neglecting a career? Actually what first came to my mind was: "Does she think I'm dumb? Maybe she thinks I am a stay at home because i can't get a job..." Then I was overtaken by a profound thought: 'Who stinkin' cares what she thinks?' Well, yes I do have a degree. I have a Communication degree and I use it every day loving my family at home. Now honestly, I would have dropped my education in a heart beat to pursue my dream of being a mom if God had allowed. He has His own timing about things. So I got the education, had six months of a "career," went to bed rest, and then to the full time task of turning a house into a nurturing home for the two guys I love most. Today I especially feel overwhelmed to praise the Lord for His provisions and for the opportunity to have a stay-at-home baby.
Speaking of communication, I realized recently that i had totally been misinterpreting Duke's intentions. Whenever I catch him doing something he isn't supposed to do, I kneel down and stand him up so that we are eye level before I correct him. Recently, when I get to this step he has just been reaching out and hugging me. Clinging to my neck with his head laying on my shoulder. Unfortunately me being the skeptic I was thinking: Smart guy. Hug me because you know you are adorable. Hug me because you know I can't resist. Avoid the issue. Well, no sir! You are going to look mommy in the eye and be accountable. I would insist that he look at me even when that meant refusing his sweet hug. It didn't take long before the Lord impressed on my heart that this was Duke's way of showing me repentance for what he had done. He wasn't avoiding the issue at all. Rather, he was immediately sorry for the issue. The Lord corrected me, that I need to receive that hug and immediately tell him: "I forgive you." Then and only then pull him to look eye to eye with him and firmly restate the correction. In spite of that 'communication degree' I so proudly stated to the woman to the park, I failed to correctly interpret the most basic infantile communication. "Simply to the cross I cling" apart from Him, I will always miss it. I have realized my tendency to fail to believe the best in my family. I am going to work on that. I don't like that about myself. I never have been motivated by people who seem to be skeptical of me either. When parents and teachers set a high expectations in front of me, that was when I rose to the challenge. So we got some work to do...but at least I get to be here to do it :D
(Side note: thanks mom and dad for all you sacrificed to fund that degree!)
This morning when my stay-at-home baby woke up and started asking for me, I got him up and laid him down to change his diaper. He immediately pulled his monkey blanket (his security/cuddle item) over his face; thus starting his flirtatious game of peek-a-boo. I brought him in bed with me for about fifteen minutes to doze and cuddle. He was excited to see that Daddy was awake and kept pointing at him and smiling. Daniel headed off to work and we had breakfast, colored a picture, read books, crashed our toy cars into each other, played peek-a-boo, cleaned up 2 explosion diapers (each alternating with a head to toe bath), and had what we usually have for lunch: yesterday's dinner. After all of this, Duke started getting sleepy. Ready to get rocked in the mommy chair with monkey blanket and then off to nappers. I just love getting to spend the day together. We are so blessed, I don't have to miss out on these special things with him. I absolutely am convinced that this is 'as good as it gets.'
The other evening at the park a woman asked me: "So where do you work?" When i told her I am a stay at home mom she responded: "Oh. Do you have a degree or anything?" She didn't have a rude tone, I think she was merely curious. But still it made me curious if she thought I was missing out on something. Did she think I was neglecting a career? Actually what first came to my mind was: "Does she think I'm dumb? Maybe she thinks I am a stay at home because i can't get a job..." Then I was overtaken by a profound thought: 'Who stinkin' cares what she thinks?' Well, yes I do have a degree. I have a Communication degree and I use it every day loving my family at home. Now honestly, I would have dropped my education in a heart beat to pursue my dream of being a mom if God had allowed. He has His own timing about things. So I got the education, had six months of a "career," went to bed rest, and then to the full time task of turning a house into a nurturing home for the two guys I love most. Today I especially feel overwhelmed to praise the Lord for His provisions and for the opportunity to have a stay-at-home baby.
Speaking of communication, I realized recently that i had totally been misinterpreting Duke's intentions. Whenever I catch him doing something he isn't supposed to do, I kneel down and stand him up so that we are eye level before I correct him. Recently, when I get to this step he has just been reaching out and hugging me. Clinging to my neck with his head laying on my shoulder. Unfortunately me being the skeptic I was thinking: Smart guy. Hug me because you know you are adorable. Hug me because you know I can't resist. Avoid the issue. Well, no sir! You are going to look mommy in the eye and be accountable. I would insist that he look at me even when that meant refusing his sweet hug. It didn't take long before the Lord impressed on my heart that this was Duke's way of showing me repentance for what he had done. He wasn't avoiding the issue at all. Rather, he was immediately sorry for the issue. The Lord corrected me, that I need to receive that hug and immediately tell him: "I forgive you." Then and only then pull him to look eye to eye with him and firmly restate the correction. In spite of that 'communication degree' I so proudly stated to the woman to the park, I failed to correctly interpret the most basic infantile communication. "Simply to the cross I cling" apart from Him, I will always miss it. I have realized my tendency to fail to believe the best in my family. I am going to work on that. I don't like that about myself. I never have been motivated by people who seem to be skeptical of me either. When parents and teachers set a high expectations in front of me, that was when I rose to the challenge. So we got some work to do...but at least I get to be here to do it :D
(Side note: thanks mom and dad for all you sacrificed to fund that degree!)
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